[CCHS] Fwd: Helping Your Teen Deal with Grief and Loss

[Louisa Coleman]

Louise Coleman
Concord-Carlisle High School
500 Walden Street
Concord, MA  01742
lcoleman at colonial.net
978-341-2490 x7101

----- Original Message -----

Dear Parents/Caregivers,

In light of the recent tragedy that has affected the community, we are
sending along some information to help you and your children cope during
this difficult time.  We hope that it will encourage communication and the
sharing of grief.
The text is copied below and also attached.**  

There are also many on-line resources to which you can turn for
information and guidance:

www.talklisten.org
www.suicidology.org
www.breakfreefromdepression.com
www.nmha.org
www.familyaware.org
www,AdolescentWellness.org

Sincerely,

Sally Quinn Reed, Executive Director
Angela Martinez, Communications Coordinator/Registrar
Center for Parents and Teachers
120 Meriam Road
Concord, MA 01742
Tel. 978-202-1143
amartinez at colonial.net
********************************************************************************************************************************************
Caring for Yourself
The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It can help you to cope
if you take care of yourself in certain small but important ways. Here are
some that might help:
  s Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know that you can (and will)
    heal over time. 
Participate in rituals. Memorial services, funerals, and other traditions
    help people get through the first few days and honor the person who
    died. 
Be with others. Even informal gatherings of family and friends bring a
    sense of support and help people not to feel so isolated in the first
    days and weeks of their grief. 
Talk about it when you can. Some people find it helpful to tell the story
    of their loss or talk about their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't
    feel like talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel pressured to
    talk. 
Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like talking, find ways to
    express your emotions and thoughts. Start writing in a journal about
    the memories you have of the person you lost and how you're feeling
    since the loss. Or write a song, poem, or tribute about your loved
    one. You can do this privately or share it with others. 
Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be hard to get motivated, so
    modify your usual routine if you need to. 
Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or you may not feel hungry,
    but your body still needs nutritious foods. 
Join a support group. If you think you may be interested in attending a
    support group, ask an adult or school counselor about how to become
    involved. The thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone
    with your feelings or your pain. 
Let your emotions be expressed and released. Don't stop yourself from
    having a good cry if you feel one coming on. Don't worry if listening
    to particular songs or doing other activities is painful because it
    brings back memories of the person that you lost; this is common.
    After a while, it becomes less painful. 
Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or garden, or memorialize the
    person in some fitting way, such as running in a charity run or walk
    (a breast cancer race, for example) in honor of the lost loved one. 
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/someone_died.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle#

****************************************************************************************************
[Marker]Responding to Teen Suicide: What You Need to Know
by Julie Williams 
Teen suicide is a tragedy that no kid, parent, educator, or community
member ever wants to experience. And yet, according to the American
Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the facts are stark: it has become the
third leading cause of death in 10-24 year olds.
To make matters worse, teens are likely to hear more about each of these
deaths than ever. Twenty years ago, a suicide might have rocked a
particular community; today, thanks to the Internet, the world can seem
like a village, and not a happy one either. According to a 2007 national
survey instruments administered through the Centers for Disease Control,
15% of American teens reported seriously considering suicide.
If you’ve got a teenager, the chances are high that at some point, you’re
going to need to do some straight talking about suicide. This is not to
say that your child will be suicidal himself. But research shows that any
teen suicide will affect not only the victim, but any survivor, leaving
hard questions and feelings in its wake. And teens are especially
vulnerable to “contagion”—copycat “suicide clusters” in which several kids
will kill themselves in similar ways over weeks or months.
Clearly, this sounds like a heavy burden on any community. But, say these
same experts, there’s good news here. National mental health experts have
added a whole new term to anti-suicide efforts: “postvention.” Once a teen
knows about a suicide, researchers have found, parents, teachers, and
other important adults can make all the difference. Handle it well, they
say, and the community can grieve, heal, and move on in health. Here are
experts’ top do’s and don’ts:
  · DO tell the truth. With the best of intentions, parents often want to
    “sugar coat” harsh reality. Instead, says Rich Lieberman, M.A., chair
    of the Emergency Assistance Team of the National Association of School
    Psychologists and director of the Suicide Prevention unit for the
    800,000 student Los Angeles Unified School District, “We need to be
    100% honest with kids. It’s the foundation of trust. We tell it
    straight: ‘That girl hung herself. It wasn’t an accident. She died by
    suicide.’” 
DO NOT probe or publicize details of “how” and “why’s.” While honesty is
    the best policy, there is, also, a crucial line to draw: for teens,
    especially those at risk, details can inspire destructive thoughts
    such as “Oh, that’s how I can do it, too.” Similarly, says Bill Pfohl,
    Professor of Psychology at Western Kentucky University and, together
    with Lieberman, co-chair of the National Association of School
    Psychologists’ Emergency Assistance Team, we need to avoid minimizing
    rumors such as “he got a bad grade on his test.” In fact, real causes
    are always deep and complex. As Pfohl explains, “Simply and elegantly
    I try to say, ‘They took that answer with them. We may never know for
    sure.” 
DO ask about feelings. A lot. While gory method details are a no-no, say
    both Pfohl and Lieberman, talking about your teen’s feelings is an
    absolute must. “Don’t just throw this out casually over hot dogs,”
    counsels Pfohl. “Be specific here. Ask directly how your kid is
    feeling. Ask if they’ve thought about suicide or if they have a plan.
    Ask several times after the event, not just on the day of it. You’re
    not putting any ideas in their minds. It’s actually just the
    opposite.” 
DO NOT minimize a teen’s suicidal thoughts. In 30 years of work with
    teens, Lieberman has often heard parents say, “She’s just saying this
    to get my attention.” The answer, Lieberman says, is “Yes!”
    Suicidality is scary, and kids almost always want to be stopped. So If
    your teen does reveal suicidal thoughts, says Lieberman, there is just
    one response: “Take immediate action.” Consult your school
    psychologist, school counselors, doctor, clergy, or a mental health
    professional. Just don’t stand by. 
DO monitor your teen’s Internet network. “In the old days, “ says Pfohl,
    “teens used to turn to a close friend, a parent, or a trusted adult.
    But nowadays we’re finding a new trend: kids turn to MySpace and
    Facebook.” Parents’ best plan? Be vigilant: “It’s 10 o’clock. Do you
    know what Facebook page they’re on?” 
DO NOT make permanent community memorials. If a beloved teen has died by
    suicide, caring folks may move immediately to create memorials such as
    plaques or tree groves. Sadly, explains Pfohl, “This is a no-no. It
    just makes suicide look too good.” Instead, he counsels, “contribute
    to suicide prevention.” Lieberman recommends four appropriate ways
    that your family might contribute to memorializing a teen who has died
    by suicide: “First, attend the funeral. Second, reach out to the
    family and help them in any way you can. Third, donate to a suicide
    prevention effort in the community, such as a hot-line or counseling
    agency. Finally, implement a living memorial: a program designed to
    address risk factors, such as a peer counseling program, or a bully,
    depression, or suicide prevention program. 
DO reach out to your community. Let’s face it: suicide, and the serious
    depressions that so often precede it, are still taboo discussion
    topics in many of our communities, even though, as Lieberman says,
    “truly, depression is the silent epidemic in the schools today.” Your
    teen may shut the door to discussion at first, but it’s a rare teen
    who doesn’t want to talk to someone. Stay connected, counsel both
    Lieberman and Pfohl, and don’t hesitate to call upon community
    resources such as school staff, clinics, and clergy. 
In the end, of course, even the most valiant efforts may not work
perfectly. But research strongly suggests that when adults can work
together and listen deeply to kids, the community really can make the
difference for teens. Pfohl says it this way: “In postvention, you’re
really doing prevention after all.”

Julie Williams, M.A. Education, taught middle and high school History and
English for seventeen years. Since then, she has volunteered in elementary
classrooms while raising her two sons and earning a master's in school
administration. She has also been a leader in her local PTA. 
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